Speaking to your child about sex-related matters can be uncomfortable, to say the least. God forbid they are teenagers, they’ll give you the ‘ick’ and beg you to stop. But that discomfort is no excuse to sweep important matters under the rug and hope they will figure it out the way we did. Let’s be honest, figuring it out on our own was hard, confusing, and at times, dangerous.

We owe it to our children to give them a heads-up on some of these things. That said, you can’t just bombard them with information; you need to set the tone. For example, asking your daughter about her periods while her three-year-old sibling is present may end up raising more questions from the toddler than getting answers from your daughter.

Parents need to understand that children will get information one way or another, so wouldn’t you rather that that information comes from you? Navigating this area is tricky, yes, but it’s necessary. In the Kenyan context, many parents shy away from such conversations due to cultural norms, embarrassment, or the belief that talking about sex encourages it.

In reality, silence pushes children to learn from unreliable sources, peers, social media, or random websites that may not have their best interests at heart.

That’s why parents should create private moments to speak with their children, ensuring the conversation is calm, honest, and age-appropriate. Postponing the talk doesn’t make it easier; it just leaves your child vulnerable.

We need to stop treating sexuality talks like a one-time “big talk.” They are an ongoing conversation, meant to evolve with your child. By fostering honest, respectful communication from an early age, you help your children grow into confident, informed, and responsible individuals. Remember: These conversations aren’t just about sex.

They’re about love, identity, safety, consent, values, and the beautiful complexity of being human. When you discover that your 10-year-old has written a love letter, the instinct might be to punish them, but pause and ask yourself: What are they expressing, and what could they learn from this?

Parents must also understand that talking about sexuality does not encourage early sexual activity. Research shows that children who receive comprehensive, age-appropriate sex education are more likely to delay sexual activity and make better decisions when they do become sexually active. Start early.

For young children, this could mean teaching correct names for body parts, explaining safe and unsafe touch, and encouraging them to speak up when something feels wrong. These lessons are protective and empowering.

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You don’t have to wait for your child to ask questions. Use everyday moments, TV shows, news stories, and even overheard conversations as natural openings. For example, “You heard what they said on the news, what do you think about that?” This creates space for deeper discussions. And it’s perfectly okay to admit that you’re uncomfortable. Saying something like, “I didn’t grow up talking about this, so it feels a bit strange, but I want us to have this conversation because I care about you,” can build trust and openness.

If you’re unsure how to begin, reach out. Trained health workers, teachers, religious leaders who support youth empowerment, and parenting organisations can help. Tools like brochures, parenting workshops, or community forums are excellent starting points. And always remember, one conversation is not enough. Reassure your children that they can come to you with any questions, anytime, without fear of punishment or shame.

Miss Nthiana is a Reproductive Health Advocate at NAYA Kenya.

Additional Information:

Starting early with developmentally appropriate information about sex is a good idea

Curiosity about sex is a natural step from learning about the body. Sex education helps children understand about the body and helps them feel positive about their own bodies. Younger children are interested in pregnancy and babies, rather than the mechanics of sex.

Discussing sex is also part of starting open communication with your child. Early, honest and open communication between parents and children is very important, especially when your child becomes an adolescent. If open communication is normal, children are more likely to speak with parents about all the other trials of adolescence, such as anxiety, depression, relationships, and the use of drugs and alcohol, as well as sexuality.

Beginning a conversation about sex and sexuality early and continuing that conversation as the child grows is the best strategy. It lets parents avoid giving one big, and likely uncomfortable talk when the child reaches adolescence (and will have already gotten information and misinformation from their friends and online). These conversations are easiest when they come out of a life experience, like seeing a pregnant woman or a baby.

When parents talk with their children about sex, they can make sure that they are getting the right information. Parents should be a child’s first source of information about sex. Understanding correct information can protect children from risky behaviour as they grow up.

Instilling your family values

Sex education also provides an opportunity to instill your family beliefs and values in your children. For example, if you come from a family that believes intercourse should be saved for marriage, this can be part of the discussions about sexuality. If the subject has never come up before, there is significant risk that your child, now a teenager, will not be receptive to this message.

Read our tips for parents about sex education and our guide to developmentally appropriate sex education.

If parents do not teach their children about sex, they will learn about it from somewhere else

A child’s exposure to information about sex begins much earlier than many parents imagine. Not speaking with children about sex means parents will have little control over what and how they learn about sex. Not having accurate information can also put a child at risk for exploitation or abuse. Having accurate and timely information about sex and sexuality is protective.

School, schoolyard and the media

Parents should not rely on the school system to teach sex education. Depending on where you live, sex education may not even be available. If your child is taught sex education at school, review it with your child. Ask them what they learned.

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What a child learns in the schoolyard, from friends and from social media will be incomplete and may be incorrect. It may also be demeaning or even dangerous.

Although the media is full of sex and sexuality, it is often depicted in the most sensational and superficial sense. Realistic portrayals of relationships and sexuality are rare. More often, issues around sex and sexuality appear either without any context or without any emotional or relationship component. Moreover, the risks of sexual activity are often downplayed in the media.

Sex education is safer than no sex education

Studies show the more children are exposed to sexual images in the media, the more likely it is they will engage in sexual behaviours at a younger age. However, actual sex education does NOT lead to promiscuity. Children who receive sex education at home are actually less likely to engage in risky sexual activity.

Having open communications with children about sex and other matters is healthy and safer in the long run. This does not necessarily mean it will be easy or without awkward moments. Teens are still very private people. However, speaking about sex early increases the chance that teens will approach parents when difficult or dangerous things come up.